I don’t know what the narrative is anymore

Posted by – June 4, 2007

I’m back.

I haven’t blogged in awhile because I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what the narrative is anymore.

People define themselves and grasp their goals and aspirations by relating to others. We explain our past story and bounce ideas and plans off each other, and in this way we cobble together an internal narrative, an identity. Talking to other people gives us the compass we need to plot a course for our lives.

When isolated, a person loses part of their sense of self. It is like trying to make an echo with nothing to bounce sound off of.

That’s where I am right now. Lost.

Everything’s been stripped away and all that’s left is the spiritual.

I love the online world and blogging and message boards. It allows me to have a voice, to try and wrangle control of the story, to form some kind of internal narrative. Last year I posted an explanation of my past few years in an attempt to get a handle on the internal narrative.

Now I don’t even know what the narrative is anymore.

Medicaid was making noises about terminating us, but when they visited May 17th, said they have no plans to end our services. A relief.

But what now? I have no idea.

I am trapped. I want out. I know what I want. But I don’t know how to get there.

One of the most frustrating aspects is that my destiny is not totally in my hands. I am so dependent.

Ugh. I am sick of hearing my own whining. So I just shut up, curled in the fetal position, and didn’t blog for a long time. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything, eh?

I’m back now.