I don’t know what the narrative is anymore

Posted by – June 4, 2007

I’m back.

I haven’t blogged in awhile because I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what the narrative is anymore.

People define themselves and grasp their goals and aspirations by relating to others. We explain our past story and bounce ideas and plans off each other, and in this way we cobble together an internal narrative, an identity. Talking to other people gives us the compass we need to plot a course for our lives.

When isolated, a person loses part of their sense of self. It is like trying to make an echo with nothing to bounce sound off of.

That’s where I am right now. Lost.

Everything’s been stripped away and all that’s left is the spiritual.

I love the online world and blogging and message boards. It allows me to have a voice, to try and wrangle control of the story, to form some kind of internal narrative. Last year I posted an explanation of my past few years in an attempt to get a handle on the internal narrative.

Now I don’t even know what the narrative is anymore.

Medicaid was making noises about terminating us, but when they visited May 17th, said they have no plans to end our services. A relief.

But what now? I have no idea.

I am trapped. I want out. I know what I want. But I don’t know how to get there.

One of the most frustrating aspects is that my destiny is not totally in my hands. I am so dependent.

Ugh. I am sick of hearing my own whining. So I just shut up, curled in the fetal position, and didn’t blog for a long time. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything, eh?

I’m back now.


  • bridgett

    Hmm. Your question is an authorial one, so I’m going to give you some writing advice. You need to turn the question “What shall I aspire to do with my life?” into a thesis statement. Without a thesis, it will be difficult to articulate your argument.

    Since you already know what you aspire to, this should be easier than doing the process-related work of figuring that out. Once you articulate your thesis statement is, then the narrative will begin to take shape through asking other process-related questions. “How shall I accomplish this? What is a good concrete first step? What should be the time frame within which I do this work? What risks am I willing to undergo and what hardships can I put up with to do this? What assistance will I require? How can I work this, given my physical, geographic, and economic limitations? What deep needs will this satisfy for me and for others?

    The answers to these and other questions that occur will help drive the narrative too.

    Many people are talking about conceptualizations of the self today. You might want to take a tour of Tiny Cat Pants, Midlife and Treachery, and my place to see how everyone else is also struggling with this very issue.

    I am glad to hear that Medicaid behaved this time. Nice of them to screw you up emotionally for three weeks just on some bureaucratic mess up, eh?

  • Blade21292

    Nick, if it makes you feel any better, everyone I know gets up everyday, goes to work to do the same thing, gets home late, eats dinner and maybe a bath, then off to bed to start it over.

    We all have our ruts. You just can’t let the rut take over you.

  • Eliyahu

    No one’s destiny is totally in their hands ~~ It’s good to see you back, though. I’m happy to hear that Medicade isn’t going “terminate” you.

  • Anonymous

    Well, I say if you can’t say anything nice, Say it anyway, if the people at the medicaid office don’t like it well then they can…. well they know what they can do.

  • Sharon Cobb

    I was worried about you. Again.
    Don’t worry about how you say it, just say it.

    Bridgett has some great suggestions.

    If you can’t reach that point, yet, let your ideas/emotions pour out of you. Get it down on paper…or computer, and then you can make a cohesive narrative once you get it out of you.

    I wish I were there to hang out with you.

    Please know I am there in spirit and think about you every single day.

  • JJ

    Keep up the good fight. But, of course, how you go about that fight is critically important. You know that as a Torah studies major. It matters how.

    I agree with another poster, people I know are working crazy hours, 80 to 100 hours sometimes. And yes, we are all in our own ruts, wondering why we can’t reach our own families, let alone others, even though we try and we give and we volunteer and we cry and pray. We work to make changes, what little time we have left we do something to help political action. And we all feel like we are faking it and not connecting. Most of us would be thrilled to have a victory such as yours (politically/socially). But, my point is that yes, we are very much in the same boat as you, interms of this feeling you are having.

    Justice, justice. It is all important… and so we strive.